The Singing Warrior: Men and Autism

 

What do you see? What do you not see?

I got a phone call. “Could I stay for a few days. I have left.” Another broken woman on my couch, crying, grieving for the end of her marriage. Her stories parallel so many of the woman’s stories. The emotional distance, the control and manipulation. However, it is a part of somebody. It is an inate subconscious effort to fit in to normality but normality beguiles them. They sit in their own world and their perceptions. We sit in ours and our perceptions. Women are attracted to ‘stability’ in the form of  a good sound man as a potential father and husband. He has a good job and seems to function within the boundaries of our society. However, as the years go by, their perception of normality takes over. The relationship is never founded on equality and respect. It is based on total structure and a framework of isolation. I sit and listen and it is all so recognisable. The sweet homemaker and the nurturer versus the rational to the extreme. The disconnection with intimacy and the longing for mutual understanding that will never take place. It eats up the person who seeks what is not possible to give. Eventually, a holllow husk emerges running for to save themselves from insanity. Leaving behind a broken husk also, totally oblivious to what’s taking place. My girlfriend grieves for what never can be. Her partner grieving in his own way for the loss of total possession and structure in his life. However, he will eat at 6 pm and change the bank details. He will organize and go to work. He will buy groceries and take-out the administrative files to see what the damage will be in percentages and figures..  My friend is overwhelmed with the actual physical decision to leave and her life and structure is temporarily all over the place. Mentally, she signed off years ago. Life goes on. Nobody dies. The sadness of matters of the heart is that there is no winner. Death has closure but children are involved who start taking sides inadvertently. Who is going to pay for their study? Who is going to do their wash at the weekends? Anger and annoyance that a mother could abandon them. Anger from the local community. “But you had everything that your heart desired”. I listen to these words and they ring in my ears. The reality is that what we wish for is granted because we sought it on some level. Therefore, accountability has to be taken in all our actions. There are consequences if we stay or if we go. However, I have learned that compassion is the greatest asset of all. Howe can you get to make somebody understand about emotions and feelings when their world is structured so differently. Yet, their world is the right world for them.  That is their soul journey, regardless if it has a label like ‘autism’ on it. It is a world that others cannot comprehend but do we have to? Panick and anger take over and many decisions are made through emotive reaction. I see a strong woman emerging before me. Her decision has been made. But it is done with love and compassion also. No anger or bitterness. This woman came to me to teach me my own lessons  and to be a reminder. In retrospect, many of my actions were what they were at the time, driven by fear and panick. I could advise another way to this girlfriend, sobbing uncontrollably on my couch.  Our greatest tasks are to teach the young warrior men to have emotional intelligence. To allow them to be the best they can be and not compartamentalize their emotions. Autism is only a word. However, it seems to have reached epic proportions among our older male warriors. However, accountability must be part of our make-up, regardless of our limitations. To confront and make choices. To actively seek ways of improving self.  That’s the difference. WE cannot play God with other people’s lives and emotions. Within a relationship, love is about letting go. It is about equality. If the foundation already is not there, the cracks do appear and crumble. All we can do is choose the damage, how great or small. Choose to make it simple and as my girlfriend said “Did we grow apart?. No, we never were together. We were two lost souls, yearning to give each other something that we could not give or receive”. However, no regrets. She has beautiful children, born out of love. It is as it is. I wave goodbye to her at the door as she continues on with her life. I close the door and it is also symbolic for me. The door bell goes a few minutes later. A woman stands before me and asks to buy some of my books. Today is today and as I set tea for us, she sits on the couch smiling gently. The same place where an hour before my girlfriend sat smiling bravely. Life can sometimes be a personal tsunanmi but we build up from broken foundations. All that is swept away will be re-built and it will be okay. NamasteNiamh